To The Spouse/Friend/Loved One

Original post: March 2, 2017

If you have someone in your life that is on their spiritual path and your life seems like it is turning upside-down, what can you do about it?

You can either join it, or most likely will be better served to let it go. For everyone’s sake, but especially for the one that needs to follow that path for it is a long, lonely path and requires a lot of support. Unfortunately, not the kind of support that has been prevalent to date in the relationship – it requires a very loving, kind, non-judgmental, compassionate, and humble kind of support to help someone on their spiritual journey.

While that all sounds doable, it is extremely difficult if you are not on the same or a similar path. This is about learning to live fully from the heart and once we get on that path and get a taste of it, that is our only objective – to stay in the heart and we will do whatever necessary to place ourselves in a position that allow us to live this way.

Once we find that we can indeed live fully from our heart in a safe place then we begin to explore being able to do so anywhere. For many this takes some time away from everything that keeps them feeling ‘stuck’ in a world that they do not see in the same way others see it, so they opt for taking time away to some remote island or cabin in the woods or someplace where no one knows them. There are often workshops, seminars, or retreats that pre-empt a decision and once experiencing what that has to offer, the pull becomes even stronger. And we learn to go where we are celebrated, not where we are tolerated. We begin attracting other like-minded, like-spirited people into our lives and we get invited into theirs and we realize that yes, life can be one of joy and peace and happiness, all the time.

Sure, we all have our little, or big, upsets once in a while, but we have learned how to get back to the state of joy, peace, and happiness very quickly; often, immediately. However, the journey to reach that level of joy is often a long, arduous one in which we must navigate not only our own feelings, but most often the feelings of others as well, especially those closest to us. Because we have so much time and energy invested in whatever the relationship, this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest decisions we ever make. We understand that it affects a lot of people, not just ourselves, therefore, we do not take lightly the decision. Many of us process it for sometimes years before we come to a place where we just need to make that decision and move on through to our destiny, whatever that is. Yes, it sounds very selfish; however, it is really not selfish at all – selfish is staying put for others and not growing into the best self one can be.

If you look back through our lives, you will see that we were for the most part anything but selfish, we spent most of our lives doing for others – lives of selfless-ness. And when that was no longer fulfilling our innate desire for love, we started changing, started looking within, understanding that we have to find that place of self-empowerment, self-love, self-assuredness, and staying within the same environment that brought us to the awareness they exist is not where we can heal. Once we reach that place of self – we may reestablish past relationships, although in all honesty, they do not usually last as more often than not, one person changes while the other does not and there comes a time and place when there is the realization that there is really no longer anything we have in common, why are we doing this to ourselves? We both deserve better than this.

Just because it may have taken 10 years, or 15, or 25 years to get to this fork is not reason enough to continue on the same path knowing within that joy, happiness, and peace are reachable, but again, not from the same perspective. Not from the same place that brought us to the awareness that they are missing. As Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.” One cannot heal wounds when they are continually re-opened.

If this kind of thing seems to be happening “all of a sudden”, please understand that it has not been all of a sudden. This has been going on for more often than not, years; it only seems sudden because you have not been aware of the tell-tell signs leading up to that place where it is time to make a decision – either continue the way it is knowing there is more, but accepting it – usually, as a convenience factor – it is sometimes easier (safer) to stay in something not working than to separate it and move into the unknown. And there are plenty of people doing just that; however, there are also a growing number of people that are no longer going to accept anything less than they have the power to create for themselves.

Please consider what it takes for someone to make a decision such as this – this is like the ultimate “life-changing” decision we make – to step into the unknown, knowing and trusting that our inner selves, our higher selves will keep us safe. We have no idea what is in store for us, other than the opportunity to learn more about our self and to do so at the deepest levels. And this is another key reason that many do not make the decision to go and stay in a life of mediocrity or safety – the fear of the unknown is greater than the belief that what is on the other side of the unknown makes all of it worthwhile – and it does indeed.

So, lest you think someone in this position is doing this because it seems like an easy way out, please understand that it is anything but easy – this work takes more courage than most people can muster unless and until they are ready. The spiritual path will test your every resolve about courage, humility, strength, compassion, and most importantly, love.

We spent pretty much our whole lives thinking that love is the result of those outside of us – we spend inordinate amounts of time and energy doing our best to make sure people love us. The more we do that, the more we fail and do not experience love. However, when we reach that breaking point of spirit/physical, we suddenly ‘get it’. Love must come from and for Self, first and foremost. For we cannot give more than we have. And the great irony is, when we truly love our selves first and foremost, all of a sudden we look up and realize how many people actually love us – and just for being our authentic, true, real self. Nothing else, not skills, not money, not cars, clothes, or any stuff – just our plain what you see is what you get – self! And the cycle continues – the more we give, the more we get, the more we have to give. Hawai`ians say it best: “e aloha aku, e aloha mai” means I send aloha and I receive aloha; and of course to fully understand the power of that saying, one must understand what aloha means – outside the scope this writing.

If you have someone in your life that has been acting differently lately – and lately could be last few weeks, or months. Maybe becoming a bit more distant, wanting to spend more time alone, maybe going on more hikes, etc. Often their enthusiasm for things you used to do together has waned. These are all signs that someone is not truly happy in their current environment and try as they may, they cannot fake it any longer; they must confront their truth and move into it, whatever the cost. Many will call them selfish, self-centered, some even crazy, but still the person will go ahead and follow their heart as it is destiny for us all to do so – we all do it at different times and in different ways, but we all do it. If you have someone in your life going through this, the best thing you can do for all concerned is to simply allow it to happen as there really is no stopping it. You may be able to guilt-trip, and shame them in to prolonging it a bit, but that will more often than not backfire and they will leave faster and under much harsher feelings than are necessary. And, understand that it truly is the best for all parties concerned even though we cannot fathom that at this stage; just trust it to be true. For as we allow another to come fully into their spiritual self, they also allow us to do the same and once we do so, we are ever grateful for having gone through the experience, regardless of how painful it seemed at the time.

Remember always, what we resist, persists.